i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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