I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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