i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
