either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize