idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
