I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
