New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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