he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
