Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
