Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
