The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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