New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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