I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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