i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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