Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
