Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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