My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
