And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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