Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize