Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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