my phone needs a breathalizer
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
