I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
