Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
