he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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