haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
