He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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