You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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