for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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