i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have already put on my inside pants.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
