make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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