The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
