but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
