I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
me + whiskey = a bad person
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
