My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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