That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize