I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
