I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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