she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize