Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
