I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
