The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Randomize