A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
