I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
