dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize