does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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