They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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