Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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