I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
