He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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