I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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