My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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