I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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