Plan B is the new Plan A
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
