we're making bets on your personal life
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
