So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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