All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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