Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
