Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
