Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
