So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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