Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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