I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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