i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
