if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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