I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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