Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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