my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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