Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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