I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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