I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
