sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
