turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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